Thinking back about myself..

Sometimes, I think.. I really care too much..
I just can't get rid of this bad habit..
I care too much..
Seeing others talking happily beside me, but I can't blend in, I feel something inside..
I can feel the bit of sadness deep down in me..
Part of me tells me not to care.. Just forget it.. Ignore them..
But I can't help.. I just don't like to be alone..

Then, I begin to miss the old me..
The me that used to have friends around.. Always..
And only be alone when I needed to be..
Can always get a friend whenever I want(not really but it was more or less like that..)..

I think I've changed quite a lot since I got here..
I'm more aggressive than I used to be..
More irrational..
More impulsive..
More idiotic..
More emotional..
More regrets..

I wonder how I got here..
How I got the version of "me" right now..
Well, I don't really like the version of "me" right now..
It's stupid..
It sounds stupid too..
I actually liked the "me" in the beginning..
But as the time goes, I found out that I like the old "me" better..

Well, I got a lot of shortcomings..
I'll learn and improve them..
Truth be told, I was shocked to hear that someone actually hates me..
Like, sincerely..
I didn't thought about that..
Well, I know that someone's going to hate me for who I am, but it is still kind of shocking to actually hear the truth..

Well, I've found myself more detestable than ever these days..
Maybe I am now using sociological imagination to see myself from other people's eyes..
The more I think, the more I don't understand some of the people that actually willing to be my friends..
I think, my friends must have a lot of patience.. Like really a lot..
I really thank God for giving me all these friends..
And I sincerely hope that our friendship can really lasts..

And maybe when two persons are very alike that they can't actually stand each other..
And maybe from the person that is like you, you can figure out how others feel when you treat them the same way you being treated by the people like you..
Hmm.. A lot of theories huh..

Well, my life is going to be filled with theories sooner or later..
So, deal with it..

And I've decided to be back to the part of me that I missed..
The more rational me..
Being rational is just so enough for me now.. At least..
Wish me the best~

Cry?

I don't usually cry..
I only cried because of family, or Jesus..
Besides, I only cried because of friends..

It's like I always do the wrong things in friendship..
It's not that I betrayed them or what..
It's that, my words, always be the sword that hurt my friends..
Although I didn't intend to do that..
Things just happened like that..

I hate myself for that..
Maybe, some people hate me for that too..
Because, I don't care about other's feeling when I say something..
And I claim that as being honest and straight..
However, I'm being straight without considering how my words may hurt people..

I once saw a post, saying that, sometimes, people don't need you to be honest..
Yea.. I think I may as well just keep my mouth shut..

Whenever I did something wrong, I can hardly say it..
It's like "Sorry seems to be the hardest word"..
Maybe I didn't have enough to say it..
I wanted to..

I always think that writing it out will be easier and better..
However, I found that the fact is another way round..
Through writing, people can't feel your real feelings and even your attitude..
Like, who knows what you are thinking when you are typing..
It's like it's better to say it out..

But whenever I wanted to talk,
they didn't want to hear..
So, my courage just vanished the minute when they refuse to hear me out..
Maybe they are trying to have a time of their own..
No matter what it is..

I need to learn to be braver..
Tell them I'm sorry..