Reflections

I read my friend's blog and found out that how she actually thought of me..
It's kinda sad, she didn't really mentioned it but obviously it's me, I know it..
However, the main reason that I'm sad is that what she said is right..
Her words showed me what I did wrong..

She wrote about swearing habits today..
I don't think I have that habit, because I don't really use any really offensive words..
While the others, I think really need some improvements..
As what is mentioned in the Scripture,

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)..

I admit I am having a hard time doing this..
I can have myself not saying swearing words, but when it comes to not saying something unnecessary, I can hardly do that..

I'll try to improve myself, maybe anyone can remind me?

Truth be told, it is really kinda hard for me to keep on track to study The Scripture..
It's like anything else always appear more interesting when it comes to reading Bible..

Lord Jesus, I need Your help and I need You to be in my life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Thinking back about myself..

Sometimes, I think.. I really care too much..
I just can't get rid of this bad habit..
I care too much..
Seeing others talking happily beside me, but I can't blend in, I feel something inside..
I can feel the bit of sadness deep down in me..
Part of me tells me not to care.. Just forget it.. Ignore them..
But I can't help.. I just don't like to be alone..

Then, I begin to miss the old me..
The me that used to have friends around.. Always..
And only be alone when I needed to be..
Can always get a friend whenever I want(not really but it was more or less like that..)..

I think I've changed quite a lot since I got here..
I'm more aggressive than I used to be..
More irrational..
More impulsive..
More idiotic..
More emotional..
More regrets..

I wonder how I got here..
How I got the version of "me" right now..
Well, I don't really like the version of "me" right now..
It's stupid..
It sounds stupid too..
I actually liked the "me" in the beginning..
But as the time goes, I found out that I like the old "me" better..

Well, I got a lot of shortcomings..
I'll learn and improve them..
Truth be told, I was shocked to hear that someone actually hates me..
Like, sincerely..
I didn't thought about that..
Well, I know that someone's going to hate me for who I am, but it is still kind of shocking to actually hear the truth..

Well, I've found myself more detestable than ever these days..
Maybe I am now using sociological imagination to see myself from other people's eyes..
The more I think, the more I don't understand some of the people that actually willing to be my friends..
I think, my friends must have a lot of patience.. Like really a lot..
I really thank God for giving me all these friends..
And I sincerely hope that our friendship can really lasts..

And maybe when two persons are very alike that they can't actually stand each other..
And maybe from the person that is like you, you can figure out how others feel when you treat them the same way you being treated by the people like you..
Hmm.. A lot of theories huh..

Well, my life is going to be filled with theories sooner or later..
So, deal with it..

And I've decided to be back to the part of me that I missed..
The more rational me..
Being rational is just so enough for me now.. At least..
Wish me the best~

Cry?

I don't usually cry..
I only cried because of family, or Jesus..
Besides, I only cried because of friends..

It's like I always do the wrong things in friendship..
It's not that I betrayed them or what..
It's that, my words, always be the sword that hurt my friends..
Although I didn't intend to do that..
Things just happened like that..

I hate myself for that..
Maybe, some people hate me for that too..
Because, I don't care about other's feeling when I say something..
And I claim that as being honest and straight..
However, I'm being straight without considering how my words may hurt people..

I once saw a post, saying that, sometimes, people don't need you to be honest..
Yea.. I think I may as well just keep my mouth shut..

Whenever I did something wrong, I can hardly say it..
It's like "Sorry seems to be the hardest word"..
Maybe I didn't have enough to say it..
I wanted to..

I always think that writing it out will be easier and better..
However, I found that the fact is another way round..
Through writing, people can't feel your real feelings and even your attitude..
Like, who knows what you are thinking when you are typing..
It's like it's better to say it out..

But whenever I wanted to talk,
they didn't want to hear..
So, my courage just vanished the minute when they refuse to hear me out..
Maybe they are trying to have a time of their own..
No matter what it is..

I need to learn to be braver..
Tell them I'm sorry..

Bad Mood Night

Tonight, I'm having a weird bad mood night..

I actually wanted to do some tutorials,
study some notes
and go to sleep..

But, I don't know what actually happened that makes me not feeling normal..

I'm not feeling happy.. That's all..

Maybe some sleep will make me better..

My head is aching a little..
The weather is torturing..

Water, don't you ever leave me again!

It's 2013

Well, just posted in mandarin..

I'm close to 18 now..

Yea.. Graduated from high school..
Got my SPM result slip..
It's a good result, but not good enough.. For me..

I've always wanted to glorify God..
I wanted to prove that I can do it..
With God, I can do it..
Being the only one to take BK in my school.. I'm proud..
Taking Bible Knowledge is not a burden..
I hoped to score in BK..
But I didn't..
And I was disappointed..
But I never regretted.. I'm still proud..

People are saying I'm good..
But, I'm the only one that knows, I'm not..
Totally not..

A few days before getting the result slip, I was still in the National Service camp..
It's Bumimas, Sibujaya in Sibu..
Great memories there..
I've met great friends..

It is really like what people said..
From the beginning, I don't want to be there..
Wanted to go home so much that I cried for a few times..
For a not so sentimental person like me, crying for like 3 times is kinda many..

I felt so alone..
Because didn't meet some people that I think that can really share my happiness and sadness..
I thank God that it didn't last very long until I found some friends of my kind..
We've really been through a lot..
Happiness, sadness, loneliness, sickness and all..
I want to thank my friends there too..
Thanks for being my friends.. & being with me when I need them..

Our time there is shorter than the others.. It's only 2 months and a half..
But I'm glad I came..
Friends, you'll always be in my mind..
I'll cherish the sweet and precious memories..

People said we'll wish to stay longer..
For me, I only wished I could stay with them longer..

After I'm back, I really miss the times in there..
Because, it is really hakuna matata..
Once I'm out, I need to worry about my future and all..
And making decisions for my future is so hard..
Making decisions like, where to go and what course to take are life-changing decisions..
Once you made your choice, it's like there's no turning back..
Right or wrong, you'll have to deal with it..

Right, you face all the problems and tests that come along..
Wrong, you waste your time and go to those that are right..

And I'm so emotional these days..
Hmm.. What to do?

Pray to the Almighty God and He'll lend His hands..
Praise to the Lord that He is gracious, merciful and full of love..
Jesus, help me to love you more.. <3

找回久违部落格的感叹..

只知道很久没有来看我的部落格了..

没想到,已经一年多了..

看回以前写的东西..

就看到了自己的成长..

也看到了所谓的事过境迁..

也看到了自己以前的英文程度好像比较高.. xD

有一些事情,已经被我遗忘了..

越长大越觉得, 很多东西真的需要把它们记下来..

因为人的脑好像真的装不下这么多回忆..

或许,

这一些回忆就是会慢慢地沉到记忆最深处..

没有特定的人事物勾起这些回忆,

它就永远沉睡..

看回以往的信息或照片,

一切能够储存回忆的东西..

都会让我深深明白物是人非这个成语..

感叹..

人生就是如此..