A Sudden Realization

Haven't been updating my status..
Started my degree in May in Kampar.. Somewhere further from home compared to PJ..
At the same time, no friends except for Andrea and Rose..
A total strange place..

I had quite a hard time adjusting to the environment here..
Thank God that my brother is here, which makes things easier..

After talking to Rose about my difficulties in adjusting, I almost changed immediately from sad and emotional to cheerful and happy..
She said she was shocked to see someone change that fast..

Soon, I'm always the happy and cheerful girl in the class..
I think a lot of people perceive me that way now.. I mean in class, like for those who know me..

And for something what I'll definitely do is find a church here..
Church friends back in PJ said they know someone here, so suggested me to go to that church..
Well, not bad.. People in the church are friendly enough..
However, I'm always quiet in church..
Of course, when I get closer with them I tend to talk more, but in a very very slow pace..

I feel so different being in different settings..
It's like in campus, I'll automatically turn on the happy mode while in church I'll turn on the quiet mode..
It's so two-sided and it's so different..
Too different that I feel so weird and it should be like this..
It's like either I'm wearing a mask in campus or church..
But they are all me.. Just totally different feelings..

Tonight, on the way home after group devotion, I suddenly realized why..
I think I'm an introvert.. Although people will see me as an extrovert..
Somehow I like the surroundings to have some sounds, not noise..
I like being with myself..
No matter there are people beside me or not.. No matter we are talking or not..
Now, there are people that you can be comfortable with even when you don't talk and the opposite..

I don't like awkward silence.. (And I can feel awkwardness easily even when people don't think it is..)
Maybe they don't see it, but whenever Rose doesn't talk, I feel that she has a lot of things inside but she doesn't want to say them out or it's just she can't (maybe we couldn't understand)..
So, I tend to talk a lot with them to make myself feel not so weird..
Eventually, I feel tired after everyday's interactions..
It's a different case in church, people talk a lot.. It's like they don't stop talking..
And I'll just listen.. I'll respond or speak when I need to or when I feel like it..

I need to adjust myself..

When the pressure of academic comes, it's in a way overwhelming..
It's just I tend to avoid it.. And things get worse..
Problems coming, but I'll face it..
With God's help, nothing is impossible.. :)

2014 Late night post..

Late night post..

I know it's late.. But I'm still up..
Basically doing nothing, but not feel like going to sleep yet..

Just wrote a post with mixed Mandarin and English..
About a friend of mine, no special meaning..
But he kinda came into my mind and got me thinking.. something..

2013 has been quite a good year..
I had a lot of new experiences..
Like university life, National Service life, life without parents and a lot more..
I learnt a lot..

2014 has just started..
I hope it will be a good year for me too..
Continue to learn..
Continue to live as who I should be..

We'll never know what tomorrow reveals..
Let's just keep our faith and hopes on..
Our God is with us every day..
May God bless everyone..

有一个人 There's a person

Do you or did you ever have that one person that does so much for you?
And he actually has almost everything and had done almost everything that can make you fall in love with him?
But you never did..

So, this time I feel like writing about him..
Or, more precisely, what seems right to be done..
So, here it goes..

有一个人, 因为一个人似乎改变了很多..

有一个人, 可以因为一点点的东西就吃醋..

有一个人, 可以那个人说要, 就千里迢迢飞奔过来..

有一个人, 可以不顾什么, 只想满足那个人的要求..

有一个人, 会因为那个人的一句话还是那个人的一件事情彻夜难眠; 即使连那个人都不觉得有什么大不了..

有一个人, 会比妈妈还唠叨, 说要好好照顾自己..

有一个人, 会因为那个人不在, 对什么都提不起兴趣..

有一个人, 傻傻的, 那个人说什么, ta都相信..

有一个人, 傻傻等着那个人, 说也在等时间冲淡一切..

那个人, 说第一次认真喜欢上一个人..

那个人, 说吃醋已经变得自然..

那个人, 问 你真的过来啊? ta就说 你不是要?

那个人, 对方在雨天说想吃冰, 就真的要带ta去..

那个人, 为了计划帮ta庆祝生日, 烦恼失眠..

那个人, 总是担心ta生病, 一直叫ta好好照顾自己..

那个人, 说, ta 喜欢ta..

即使, 打从一开始就拒绝了ta;

即使, 朋友们都一直劝ta放弃;

即使, 过了将近五年;

“你们怎么说都是没用的,我就是这样了..”

曾经, 有人说闲语,

ta居然说: 就是因为这些, 你才是你, 你不这样就不是你了..

有人说被爱是幸福的, 爱人是辛苦的..

明白了..

一个人, 能够接受连你自己都不太接受得到的..

还能说什么?

If you've met a guy like this, what would you do? What can be done?

Reflections

I read my friend's blog and found out that how she actually thought of me..
It's kinda sad, she didn't really mentioned it but obviously it's me, I know it..
However, the main reason that I'm sad is that what she said is right..
Her words showed me what I did wrong..

She wrote about swearing habits today..
I don't think I have that habit, because I don't really use any really offensive words..
While the others, I think really need some improvements..
As what is mentioned in the Scripture,

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)..

I admit I am having a hard time doing this..
I can have myself not saying swearing words, but when it comes to not saying something unnecessary, I can hardly do that..

I'll try to improve myself, maybe anyone can remind me?

Truth be told, it is really kinda hard for me to keep on track to study The Scripture..
It's like anything else always appear more interesting when it comes to reading Bible..

Lord Jesus, I need Your help and I need You to be in my life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Thinking back about myself..

Sometimes, I think.. I really care too much..
I just can't get rid of this bad habit..
I care too much..
Seeing others talking happily beside me, but I can't blend in, I feel something inside..
I can feel the bit of sadness deep down in me..
Part of me tells me not to care.. Just forget it.. Ignore them..
But I can't help.. I just don't like to be alone..

Then, I begin to miss the old me..
The me that used to have friends around.. Always..
And only be alone when I needed to be..
Can always get a friend whenever I want(not really but it was more or less like that..)..

I think I've changed quite a lot since I got here..
I'm more aggressive than I used to be..
More irrational..
More impulsive..
More idiotic..
More emotional..
More regrets..

I wonder how I got here..
How I got the version of "me" right now..
Well, I don't really like the version of "me" right now..
It's stupid..
It sounds stupid too..
I actually liked the "me" in the beginning..
But as the time goes, I found out that I like the old "me" better..

Well, I got a lot of shortcomings..
I'll learn and improve them..
Truth be told, I was shocked to hear that someone actually hates me..
Like, sincerely..
I didn't thought about that..
Well, I know that someone's going to hate me for who I am, but it is still kind of shocking to actually hear the truth..

Well, I've found myself more detestable than ever these days..
Maybe I am now using sociological imagination to see myself from other people's eyes..
The more I think, the more I don't understand some of the people that actually willing to be my friends..
I think, my friends must have a lot of patience.. Like really a lot..
I really thank God for giving me all these friends..
And I sincerely hope that our friendship can really lasts..

And maybe when two persons are very alike that they can't actually stand each other..
And maybe from the person that is like you, you can figure out how others feel when you treat them the same way you being treated by the people like you..
Hmm.. A lot of theories huh..

Well, my life is going to be filled with theories sooner or later..
So, deal with it..

And I've decided to be back to the part of me that I missed..
The more rational me..
Being rational is just so enough for me now.. At least..
Wish me the best~

Cry?

I don't usually cry..
I only cried because of family, or Jesus..
Besides, I only cried because of friends..

It's like I always do the wrong things in friendship..
It's not that I betrayed them or what..
It's that, my words, always be the sword that hurt my friends..
Although I didn't intend to do that..
Things just happened like that..

I hate myself for that..
Maybe, some people hate me for that too..
Because, I don't care about other's feeling when I say something..
And I claim that as being honest and straight..
However, I'm being straight without considering how my words may hurt people..

I once saw a post, saying that, sometimes, people don't need you to be honest..
Yea.. I think I may as well just keep my mouth shut..

Whenever I did something wrong, I can hardly say it..
It's like "Sorry seems to be the hardest word"..
Maybe I didn't have enough to say it..
I wanted to..

I always think that writing it out will be easier and better..
However, I found that the fact is another way round..
Through writing, people can't feel your real feelings and even your attitude..
Like, who knows what you are thinking when you are typing..
It's like it's better to say it out..

But whenever I wanted to talk,
they didn't want to hear..
So, my courage just vanished the minute when they refuse to hear me out..
Maybe they are trying to have a time of their own..
No matter what it is..

I need to learn to be braver..
Tell them I'm sorry..

Bad Mood Night

Tonight, I'm having a weird bad mood night..

I actually wanted to do some tutorials,
study some notes
and go to sleep..

But, I don't know what actually happened that makes me not feeling normal..

I'm not feeling happy.. That's all..

Maybe some sleep will make me better..

My head is aching a little..
The weather is torturing..

Water, don't you ever leave me again!